The History or Story Behind My Site
Our Story began, when just before Christmas of 2000, I received the news that I was expecting our third child. I was over joyed at the news as was my husband and other two sons.

It came just like an early Christmas present, the best I could ever ask for. I was just so happy. Went to the doctors to make an appointment, so that I could be referred to our local hosptial, I was just so excited.

Then I got a letter in the post, telling me our first scan appointment, my stomach feeled with butterflies with nerves, and excitement.

On the day of the scan, we sat their waiting, when a scan operator came out and called us. I took off my jacket as it was hot in the waiting room, and me and hubby followed him in.

I told me to get onto the metal bed, which I did and put ice cold gel on my stomach, believe me it was cold. Then looking at the screen I could see nothing but shadows, but out of those shadows came the most precious moment. Seeing our baby for the first time. I could not take my eyes off the screen at first, then turned to my hubby who was holding my hand, and smiled at him.

He looked so perfect, hands, feet, legs head all perfectly formed. After that every scan was special, all showing everything to be normal.

Towards the end of pregnancy, I felt tired alot, but happy feeling Phoenix kicking and moving around inside of me.

Then came the day of being induced, I did ask to be induced early due to having previous big babies. They did not think it would be safe for the baby, so made me wait until 40weeks, and two days. I had a bad feeling about waiting full term, but no one would listen to me and my hubby.

They inserted the first lot of gel, and monitored my contractions and baby's heart beat for a while, then six hours later, they came and checked on me and nothing had changed, so they inserted some more gel, and monitored the baby's heart beat again, but did not monitor my contractions this time, infact they did not bother monitoring my contractions after the first time which I thought was strange.

Anyway, we had some fun, using the camcorder to film the room, and the cot that he would go in and stuff, both really excited. Then they decided as nothing was happening still to move me into another ward. That is when our dream of having a healthy baby boy, would turn into a nightmare.

It was 9pm, when the midwife came in to monitor the baby's heart beat, one minute it was their on the monitor, and the next it was not. They got a scan machine and checked, but still nothing, so they took me to another room with a better scan machine.

I remember the doctor looking really hard, then she turned to me and said "I'm sorry, but there is no heart beat, the baby is dead". At that moment everything seemed to go into slow motion, our world was falling apart around us.

I remember crying like I have never cried before, and my hubby holding me close crying as well, and telling me everything will be alright. After a while the doctors came back in, and told me they would have to break my membranes, and waters.

They took us back to the labour ward, and broke my membranes, and waters, gave me gas and air, and pethidine to help with the pain. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, giving birth to a baby I knew was dead.

They asked me if I wanted to see him when he came out, of course I did, I did not go through nine months of bonding to him inside me, and not see him.

So when he was born, the midwife put him straight onto my chest, he looked so perfect, and looked asleep. I remember praying for him to wake up, but of course he did not. He stayed with us a while, so we could say our goodbyes.

I am glad we both said our goodbyes to him properly, the hospital let me get him dressed and stuff. But leaving that hospital to go home without him was so unbearable.

Everyday we miss him, I have photos and stuff to remember him by. Not a day goes past it does not hurt.

This is our story.

Cool Links!

For Women Who Have Lost A Baby, with Chat Room.